Terror and the Future.

My day was wonderful. It was full of lovely people that I can’t love enough. I laughed (maybe too much) but I’m happy and I feel so awfully blessed. 



Life hasn’t been the easiest lately though. This week, I found out that my eleven year old brother has abnormalities in the left side of his brain. They haven’t yet told us what that could entail but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. 

Today, my dad pulled me aside and said he needed to talk to me. A couple weeks ago, my favorite uncle found out that he had multiple melanoma in his back. We weren’t sure what stage it was in or anything until today when my dad told me it was terminal. I cried. 

Life, by all appearances, seems like it’s simply falling apart but I realized tonight that it’s only through circumstances like this that you find yourself. You become the strong person you are meant to be and you survive. I know this next year will be anything but easy but I will come out stronger and I will know more about who I am and where I’m supposed to be. Some days, I want to leave all of this behind and start over again. But then, I realize that that is all I’ve been doing my whole life. I’ve never been anywhere for more than two years. Fresh starts were not a gift, they weren’t an option, they just were. But this-this being somewhere- being given the chance to stick it out, to prove that I can handle it-this truly is a gift. A hard gift, but a gift nonetheless. 

Besides, no matter where I run, I can’t get away from the heart issues that bring me to my knees in a panic, terrifying me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, almost positive that my heart is going to stop working then and there. 

As scared as I am, I am going to cling to the faith that my heart will stop working when it’s good and ready and not any time before. I will do what I was meant to do and nothing more. 


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